


inhale (thinking out loud)

by knkimchi



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bottom Louis, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Panic Attacks, Riding, Sexual Abuse, Top Harry, X-Factor - Freeform, a lot of fluff, and narbara, based on Alex&Sierra audition, but mostly just harry&louis, it has a bit of ziam, this is my first fic im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2014-07-09
Packaged: 2018-02-07 21:30:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1914531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knkimchi/pseuds/knkimchi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows all he has to do is regulate his breathing. Inhale. Exhale. It's not that difficult.</p><p>   <i>C’mon Louis you can do it. </i></p><p>He can't though. Everything seems to be closing in around him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	inhale (thinking out loud)

**Author's Note:**

> everything is on the tags above, please read it.
> 
> huge thank you to 28rs on tumblr for making this fic look good.xx

Louis doesn't like to feel trapped.

  
He had to at least control his thoughts. Louis knew that sometimes things get out of control and that is not his fault, but he can’t lose himself in his own mind.

It’s a Friday, the last day of class before the Christmas holiday starts, but Louis isn’t feeling as excited as the other students that are passing by him without a second glance. He should be happy and it’s not that he’s sad particularly- after all he’s going to see his mum and his two sisters in a week- it’s just… He really doesn’t know why he woke up this morning crying and feeling like his body was tied to his bed.

Pushing off his covers and getting into the shower seemed to be the most difficult task. Having to drag himself to class only to spend most of the time fighting back tears. Currently, he's sat in the train waiting impatiently to get to his flat and lay down and simply breathe.

Looking around, the place was much too crowded, he felt as if everyone was judging him. On his right side sat a middle aged lady and in his front was a boy around his age.

When he raised his head to see who else was near him everything went black.

He couldn’t breathe.

_In and out, in and out, in and out._

His mind was racing with a billion thoughts. _What happened? How can I get out? Why is the train is not moving? Why does it feels like I’m running a marathon? Why are they always looking at me? What did I do wrong? Why can’t I breathe?_

“Please, if I can have everyone quiet down, and listen for a second?” he barely heard someone trying to get everybody’s attention.

He knew he was having a panic attack even before it fully began, all the symptoms easily recognizable. Palms sweating, feeling feverish, throat closing in, racing heart, and most embarrassingly the tell-tale sign of tears streaming down his face. 

When Louis was sixteen he had his first panic attack. It was at school on a Tuesday morning after a boy named James had shoved him against the lockers. After seeing him shaking, struggling to breathe, and little beads of sweat appearing on his forehead, James took three steps back and rushed away. Luckily, a boy named Zayn found him. Zayn, who had helped him up and taken care of him through the panic attack, who now shared a flat with Louis, and who Louis considered to be his best friend.

Coming out to his family was much easier than Louis ever thought it would be. Of course his parents were a bit hesitant at first but after a lengthy talk that consisted of a lot of questions and advice, things were fine. His older sister Emily had said that she ‘always had a feeling but was so proud of him’. Eve, his youngest sibling, hugged him and said that loved him no matter what. He was relieved.

In school things were much harder. He never had that many friends, just Niall and Barbara who were both lively and fun, but he did talk with a few people from his classes. After coming out thought, he felt like every pair of eyes in school was judging him. Some classmates would made stupid jokes, others stopped talking to him like they used to –not that they had talked much, but now even a few words were better than the disgusted glances.

It came to the point where he felt anxious just from getting out of bed. He couldn’t handle the feeling of being watched and judged all the time, so he spent two weeks locked up in his house, most of the time hiding in his bedroom curled under the blankets.

It wasn't long before his mom told him it was time to take a shower, raise his head and face the world. So he went to school and after a whole day of holding himself together and waiting to get home so he could explode in his room, James punched him.

After that the thought of not having control of his body and mind freaked him out and he started having, as his psychiatrist said, panic attacks induced by his anxiety disorder. But to Louis it all just felt like a chaotic nightmare that was much too long.  

“The train will remain stationary for a few minutes due to a black out in this part of the city, things are already being fixed and hopefully everything will be working soon, so please, let’s just stay calm ‘till all get back to normal."

Normal? How could things get back to normal if Louis can’t breathe? If he’s trapped? Things were never normal and will never be. He’s going to die in a train full of stupid people who are much too close and still can’t see that he fucking can't breathe and is shaking more than any normal person should be.

He knows all he has to do is regulate his breathing.  _Inhale. Exhale._ It's not that difficult.

_C’mon Louis you can do it._

He can't though. Everything seems to be closing in around him. 

Suddenly he remembers the playlist he had made a couple years ago for times like this when he was in a crowded and public place and no one could help him. With trembling hands he opened the backpack in his lap and started searching for his iPod. After touching two books, his case holding his glasses and three unidentified objects he finally finally found his music player. Gripping it with his sweaty fingers he pulled it out, almost instantly his shaking fingers dropped it onto the floor. 

He had fucking dropped his iPod on the floor of a busy train in the middle of a blackout. Great. All his thoughts to breathe, in and out, inhale and exhale were far gone by now. The time has come, he was going to die. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on all the things that made him happy; tea in cold afternoons, his baby clothes, white and black keys from his grandmother’s piano, Eve smiling, Zayn’ tiger tattoo, Niall’s laugh… He knew he was being overdramatic but his lungs were burning with the lack of oxygen and the darkness and people and the noise were suffocating him.

And then he felt tentative hands on his right leg, he froze up but slowly opened his eyes and saw the boy in front of him with something in his other hand, his iPod. Thank God he had sent someone with a good soul in the world. He reached for his iPod tentatively, his hands still shaking. His breaths were coming in short and ragged still, and the tight feeling in his chest was unavoidable, the boy was talking though so Louis tried to concentrate. In and out. He tried to focus on the boy’ face to figure out the words that were leaving his mouth.

“Hi um… I’m Harry, is t-this yours?” The boy asked quietly, and Louis nodded. “Do you need something? I h-have a bag here if you want?” He held up a paper bag.

Louis didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know this boy, but he needed help if he wanted to stop the panic bubbling in his chest, and Harry seemed kind enough so he let out a soft word of approval as he watched Harry empty the contents of the bag before handing it over.

“Can you try and breathe now?” his voice was so low, calm and somewhat understanding and it made Louis feel peaceful. In and out. It was working. His hands were almost still now, he wasn’t so hot anymore, he felt his chest expand, the oxygen filling his lungs. The bag was helping him concentrate and the hand on his leg doing small circles was so gentle that he started to calm down. The panic from before simmering quietly.

“You are breathing! Oh my god… I was so worried. Are you okay?” Harry's eyes were open and kind as he spoke.

“I-I think… yeah I’m good? T-thank you… Harry, right?” Louis was better now, not ready to stand or even turn his head but he could feel the train moving and felt a sting in his chest. 

When did the train start to move again? Where was he? Had he missed his stop? How would he get home if he missed his stop? Before he could start panicking again, Harry's soft voice interrupted him. He was nodding. "Yeah... and you are?" 

“L-Louis… um how long have things started to move again?”

“Not much, just a couple minutes why?” Harry was still tracing little circles on his leg.

“Shit…” the next station was the one he had to get off the train, where he could finally hurry to his flat, lay his head in his soft pillow and cry for being so stupid, but his head was pounding and his legs refused moving, even when he thought _upupup_  like a mantra. “C’mon don’t disappoint me.” He muttered softly.

“S-sorry.. what?” he heard and remembered that right, Harry was there too and apparently paying attention to him and his moves “Do you need some help there, mate?”

“It’s just.." Louis didn't want to sound silly and tell him that his legs refused to reply to him, so he settled for, "My stop is the next one, and um my legs they're kind of..."

Harry seemed to understand, “Mine is next too… if you want I can help you get home?” 

 _No_. Louis was not an idiot; there were a lot of reasons why he shouldn’t accept this. First, he didn’t know this boy (apparently his name was Harry but he could be lying). Second, what if he was lying and his name was Frank? Third, he could be a serial killer or some creepy stalker. Fourth, it was like his heart was beating inside of his head and it fucking hurt, so if this boy tried something he wouldn’t be able to defend himself (actually he would probably just throw his own body on the floor and beg for mercy). No he would not let this boy walk him home even if his eyes were strangely sincere and he seemed honest just truly trying to help.

“I’m sorry mate but I don’t know you and there's probably more important things you have to do so.. thank you for the um.. b-bag? I really appreciate your help.” His body ached, and fuck when his head started to feel so heavy?

“Seriously, I can’t prove to you that I’m not lying and that I’m not a serial killer or something, it’s just… I really am worried with you. I was just heading home to see if my roommate wants to go out since its Friday and all but now if something happens to you I would never forgive myself, so please… let me walk you home?” Harry asked as he got to his feet and held a hand out for Louis to hold. 

“I’m fine really, just..” and then it all was just a blur, colors and shapes and people blurring together.

His brain was pounding against his skull and his hands were shaking a bit, he could walk though, his feet weren't steady but they held his weight. He felt hands on his back and looked up, the small movement using more energy than usual. Harry was supporting him and walking him through the train and out into the platform away from the commotion of all the other commuters. In a few minutes they were out on the street and he felt much lighter like he could breathe properly after feeling like his lungs were caged for so long. 

“Thank you?” he barely got out and wasn’t sure if Harry could even hear him but it was the best he could do right now.

“No problem, Louis… now can you direct me to your flat? I’ll walk you there and then we can figure it out.” He asked, holding Louis’ waist firmly not letting the boy trip on his own feet and fall.

 

Louis brought his arm to hold on Harry’ waist and laid his head on the boy’s shoulder to keep steady while he mumbled were and when to turn the streets until they got to his flat. He knew it might not be his smartest decision, but Harry felt safe and oddly familiar. 

Getting up the stairs was hard but Harry was there with his steady hand and gentle voice.

“You can do it Lou, c’mon just a few more steps and you’ll be home.”

He fumbled with the keys and once the door was open he rushed to the bathroom not even worrying that a completely strange was at his flat. He got on his knees just in time to vomit the apple and the cup of tea he had this morning. It was disgusting and embarrassing; a 21 year old living mostly on his own should be able to hold himself together and yet he wasn’t.

“Oh… Louis, are you fine? Can I come in?” Harry sounded nervous and Louis didn’t want to make him worried. He hated making people anxious and hated the look of pity he sometimes received. It was his fault that Harry was losing his Friday; this boy didn’t even know Louis for god’s sake!

Louis quickly gathered himself, standing quickly, the room spun a bit and he felt a little dizzy but managed to rinse his mouth and throw some water in his face and neck. When he got out of the bathroom he saw Harry at the living room next to the couch with hands behind his back and rocking from feet to feet.

“I swear, you’re going to kill me.” Harry muttered.

“W-what?” What the fuck was he on about? Louis almost died today, which might be an exaggeration, but still he couldn’t breathe properly for what felt like hours, and somehow he had brought a stranger to his flat because he couldn't put a feet in front of the other and get home.

“Shit sorry," Harry looked flustered. "I shouldn't even be here. It's not my place to feel like... You’re probably waiting me to get out right now and I-“

“Harry, please can you stop one second? My head is hurting like hell..” Louis brain was still pounding heavily against his skull.

“Oh.. sorry again, I’m so sorry." Harry looked slightly sheepish.

“It’s okay, just...”

“Lou?" And it was a familiar, new voice.  "Are you there mate? Is everything alright?” Zayn said, entering the room and brushing past Harry and joining Louis side quickly. "You alright?" He asked softly again, Zayn always knew though, sometimes it seemed like he was better at reading Louis than he could read himself.

Louis welcomed Zayn's concern, it wasn't that Harry wasn't enough or that he didn't like Harry, but Zayn was familiar and Zayn knew him. Zayn was his best mate after all, and being close to him made the weight on his shoulders lift, the weight that he hadn't even felt pressing him down.

“Hi Z mate, thank God you’re home.”

“Of course I’m home Lou, and who is..this?” he asked looking towards Harry who was still awkwardly fumbling with his hands -big hands holy shit- in front of his body.

“Harry.. um this is Zayn, my flatmate, Zayn this is Harry, he..um..” here was the thing, Zayn obviously knew that Louis had panic attacks and suffered from anxiety but he didn’t like worrying the poor guy. After all it was his problem and it wasn’t Zayn’s job to take care of him, no matter how good he was at it. He wasn’t a child and Zayn was not his parent. He always accepted Zayn's help when he needed it and it was offered, of course, after all Zayn was one of the most important things in Louis’ life and Louis trusted him infinitely. God, he wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for him saying _‘yeah Lou, we can do it c’mon let’s move to London babe. There you could study to be a fabulous drama teacher and I can be the next Picasso or some shit’._ It wasn’t that he was ashamed of him either. They both saw each other in their worst moments, with fat tears rolling down their faces and runny noses, so it wasn't really a problem, or at least it shouldn't be, but he wasn’t going to worry Zayn if it wasn't necessary. He was feeling better anyway.

“Oh hi.. I’m Harry and I just helped Louis get home ‘cause he was not feeling very good but now he’s fine and… um.. I’m going, sorry for coming in without being called” He shook Zayn’s hand and started to turn to leave.

“Harry, wait..” Louis wouldn’t let the guy go away without a proper thanks, he was very kind and helped him when he didn’t need to, it was the Friday before Christmas Holiday and Louis didn't believe there were many people who would go so out of their way to help a stranger at a train station. 

“Do you want to stay for a bit? I’m sure Zayn won’t mind staying home today. I’ll grab some beers, we could watch a film and I could even call my mate, Niall, to come down and have a proper lads night?”

He felt Harry tense at the suggestion and maybe it was a bit weird calling someone you barely met to spend a night at your place but he couldn’t let the boy go with just a smile and a simple ‘thank you’.

“Yeah Harry you could stay, it’ll be cool and I need to know more about you since you practically saved Lou’s life” Zayn said, offering Harry a small smile.

Louis loves Zayn so much.

“I would love to but my flatmate is waiting for me to go home? I really think is a lovely idea and I appreciate it, thank y-"

“You can call him and see if he wants to come too?" Louis cuts in.  "I mean… If you don’t have anything to do or plans for the night, you both can stay for a bit? It’ll just be me, Zayn and Niall.” Why was he nervous? Everything was a mess, he just wanted to take a bath, lay down on the couch, drink some beers with his mates and forget this day. But he wasn't about to let Harry walk off without a small fight.

“It wouldn’t bother you? We didn’t have anything planned for today and my flat is just a few minutes walking from here. I could go there take a shower and come with him in an hour maybe?” Harry looked almost hopeful, which helped settle Louis' nerves.

“Perfect yeah, I need a shower too. Zayn babe, can you please let Harry out? I’m reeking.” 

“Of course love." Zayn gave him a smile, squeezing his side slightly before walking Harry out as Louis headed to his room.

He heard both boys saying goodbye and see you soon while he waited for the bath to fill up. Once it was all set he slowly removed his clothes and relaxed his body in the warm water.

\-----

He didn’t realise how much time he spent there just sitting and relaxing but he just had put comfy jeans and a black t-shirt when he heard three knocks on the door.

“I’m coming,” he yelled, feeling much better after washing his body and mind from all the bad things that happened today.

He opened the door and saw Harry with a very pretty brown eyed guy. Now that he was feeling good, he could finally look at how the boy who was so kind looked like. Harry was definitely taller than him by a few inches and he had a lovely curly hair, his eyes were a beautiful green and his mouth was large and very pink. He was smiling brightly, and oh God the kid had dimples! He also had tattoos scattered on his arm. Louis loved tattoos, he himself had a few on his right arm and planned on doing more soon, Zayn had even designed some of them for him.  

“Um.. “ Harry coughed, and oh right, smooth Tomlinson.

“Hi Harry and..” Louis glance at Harry's mate.

“Liam.. Hi I’m Harry’s flatmate” he held out his hand for Louis to shake.

“Hi Liam, nice to meet you. C’mon in, Zayn is just getting out of the shower and Niall said he would be he-"

He's interrupted by the blonde boy, whose bounding in. “Oh, hiya Lou,” Niall hugged Louis’ in greeting before making his way towards the couch. 

Louis can feel his face heat up. “Have you heard of manners Niall? Anyway, this is Harry and Liam," Louis motions respectively. "And uh, this is my mate Niall.” He tells Harry and Liam, who are still standing by the door awkwardly, still they both wave. 

“Oi, sorry mates I’m just really tired, long day and all... C’mon in sit with me, Lou said that I don’t have manners but what are you still doing by the door?” Niall gives Louis a devilish smile.

“I was just," Louis stars to defend himself, but it was useless; Harry and Liam entering the house and not really registering his words, instead they're taking a seat on the couch next to Niall. They seemed to fit easily together, it felt right having the three boys in his living room.

They were all chatting when Zayn joined, smelling like some expensive cologne and looking glorious as always.

“Hey.” Zayn smiled tentatively at the crowd in the living room. Zayn was never shy around anyone, he wasn’t a loud person but he was always confident in how he presented himself, and now he seemed a bit sheepish.

“Hello... Hi I'm um I'm Liam” Which of course, it made sense. Liam was a beautiful guy; short brown hair, a lovely face, what seemed to be a birthmark on his neck and seemingly strong arms. He didn’t know Zayn was into built men but he was happy to see that they would all get along just fine.

The night was great, they watched a comedy about two undercover police officers in a high school that had something to do with drugs. His head feels a bit dizzy because of the beers they'd had but it was a great laugh.

Niall, as always, laughed so hard that when he left his face was red and there were tears in the corner of his eyes. Harry and Liam fit in perfectly into the little group, and it was almost like the five of them were friends since high school.

Going to bed that night, he felt good, his phone had two new contacts and his smile didn't seem to be leaving anytime soon and he felt a light buzz from the alcohol. 

\----- 

Louis was desperate.

He was at his dad’s house after spending most of the holiday at his mum’s. After their parents’ divorce, he and his sisters always split up the holiday in between parents. It was hard at first seeing his parents no longer together and having to split their time between two houses, but they were happier this way. They didn’t have bad fights, ‘the marriage just didn’t felt right anymore but we will still love and care for each other’. Honestly, Louis also thinks that things are better now that they remained friends. He couldn’t ask for a better family.

Well now Louis was fucked, and it hadn’t been a month since the last time he had a panic attack.

He woke up not feeling good with a heavy feeling in his chest and when his dad and sisters asked him to come down with them to the mall, he said he’d rather stay behind, truthfully he wanted nothing more than wrap himself in blankets, settle himself on the couch and watch a cheesy romantic movie (he always said that sentimental films were not his type but ended up crying like a baby in all of them). But now, the problem was that he was completely alone and couldn’t breathe. He was feeling like his lungs were tied together, his breathing felt laboured, his hands were trembling and he was burning.

Why the fuck was he burning if they were in the middle of winter?

Of course, he was wrapped up tightly in blankets and felt like a fucking flaming burrito. He quickly withdrew his body from the pile of blankets he was in and tried again to relax himself and breathe. _In and out. Inhale and Exhale_. It wasn’t working, his lungs still not getting the oxygen they needed. Once he read in a magazine or maybe a poster at his doctor's office that had said something about talking and breathing and quickly he racked his brain for the memory, trying to recall it. And yes! ' _We talk by making air vibrate. If you're talking, you're breathing! It's not a dangerous symptom’_

And also, ' _When you feel like you can't catch your breath, it's because you forgot to do something. You forgot to exhale.’_

So all he has to do now is exhale. It is not that hard is it? No, not at all, it was easy, simple. He could do it.

_In_  
 _and_  
 _out._

His mind is racing, he can’t concentrate and he needs somebody to tell him to exhale. He needs someone to tell him how to breathe, and Louis would be worried that it's pathetic except he needs someone there and instead he's alone and the evening has just started. He knows his mum is occupied, driving to his grandmother's house and he'd really hate to worry her. His dad is out of the question as well, Eve had been begging to go see a film when they'd left and Louis knows that's where they're at. Zayn never picks up his phone, a habit of his. And Niall is most definitely at a bar somewhere in his hometown in Ireland where'd he was spending his winter holiday, and that wasn't very beneficial to Louis. Harry, however... 

Harry is an option, they’ve been texting since that first day and they even flirted a bit. He doesn’t know if he likes boys and much less if he likes Louis but he thinks they would be considered friends at this point. If they really are friends he could help Louis again, can’t he? He just has to make Louis concentrate and exhale. It should be as easy as it sounds. Louis shaky fingers find Harry's number and before he has a chance to talk himself out of it, it's ringing.

“ ‘ello? Louis, i-is that you?” Harry’ voice is a bit raspy, what if Louis woke him from a nap? Oh my god, he is already disturbing the boy and he didn’t even say hello. What if Harry had a long day and was trying to enjoy his holidays and Louis was only bugging him? What if he had been helping his mum all day with Christmas stuff and he was tired? Wha-

“Lou, are you there? I’m getting a bit worried, is everything alright?” He did sound a bit on edge so Louis was quick to respond.

“Y-yeah, I mean.. N-no. Need. To. E-exhale.” Okay that made no sense at all, he sounded like a kid from nursery school reading their first phrase. There is no way that Harry could help him like this, he is going to die and now is for real. 

“Right, Lou, are you still with me?” Louis nodded, he then realised that he was on the phone so Harry couldn’t see him and answered with a timid yes.

“Try and breathe for me yeah? Don’t need to answer if you can’t, it’s alright, I just wanna hear you taking slow and deep breaths. Concentrate, yeah.”

He started to slow his rate, calm and deep breaths, easy. He can do it.

“Okay love, don’t forget to close your mouth while inhaling- yeah.. just like this- , now hold your breath for how long you want and exhale trough your mouth ‘cause it’s the right way –good Lou.. Just a few more and you’ll feel better.” Harry was coaching him through it and Louis was listening, following his instructions and concentrating on the way the words sounded out of Harry's mouth and taking deep breaths.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Louis taking slow and deep breaths while Harry talked to him on how to do it, using the most calming tone. When he felt like he could form words and not sound like a child, he started thanking Harry again.

“Really Harry, I don’t know what would’ve happened if you haven’t picked up your phone. Thank you so much and sorry for calling.” Louis felt slightly pathetic, but Harry somehow made things simple so Louis tried pushing that feeling away.

“There’s no need to say you’re sorry Lou, don’t be daft. You can always call me when you need. Is not a burden for me or anything like that and I love to help.” Harry's voice is soft as it washes over Louis.

Later that night Harry calls again to check on him, to see if he was alright. Louis was still a bit dizzy and weak, but he could breathe now, it wasn’t that bad. At the end of the call, Harry asked Louis if he wanted to see the sequel to ’21 jump street’, the movie that they all saw together in that lads night.

Louis hadn't hesitated when he said yes.

It wasn’t a date.

Harry didn’t say it was a date, so it was not a date.

\-----

It definitely was a date.

Their first date went smoothly. Harry picked Louis at his flat and bought him flowers. It was then that he realised three things:

_1 this was totally a date_  
 _2 I wanna marry him_  
 _3 I want his kids_

  
The film was as funny as the first one. They ate lots of popcorn and threw some at the couple kissing on the seat in front of them. On the way back, Harry intertwined their fingers and only let go when they were at his door. He then leaned in and kissed Louis softly. Their first kiss.

On their eighth date, Harry asked him to come to his flat ‘cause Liam was out with Zayn, who had hit it off since the fist night and even though it hadn't been explicitly stated that they were together, it was obvious that they were together.

“Hi babe, what are you doing?” Louis asked as he wrapped his hands around Harry’ waist and rested his chin on the tallest boy’s shoulder to see what he was cooking.

“You said that you liked tacos, so.. I- um.. I’m making tacos?”

“Is this a question, love?” he squeezed Harry’ waist to try and make a point.

“No. I’m a 100% sure that I’m making tacos for you and me tonight. So please, go sit and wait ‘cause you’re distracting me” Louis kissed the back of his neck but did as he was told.

The dinner was amazing. Harry was an amazing cook. Louis never had homemade tacos so good in his life and he told Harry just as much. Of course the younger boy blushed. After they finished, they both sat on the couch to watch a bad reality show that he didn’t even catch the name since he was too busy looking at Harry. God this boy was so gorgeous and kind and polite and strong and smart and happy and sincere… and Louis was definitely falling for him. He did know that he would fall for Harry and that it was just a matter of time but he didn’t know it’ll be so fast. It had been four months since they first met and three and a half since their first date; since their first kiss. Louis was happy, Harry made him happy. Christ this boy could make him breathe, when the last thing that comes to his mind is that he needs oxygen to survive.

He felt a tentative hand on his leg, the same way on that first day in the train.

“Lou, love, is-"

He couldn’t wait anymore. Straddling Harry’s lap he found the boy already half hard. He started brushing their lips together, gently pushing his tongue inside Harry’s mouth; the taller boy had one of his hands on Louis’ waist and the other was slowly doing its way to his ass. Harry titled his head back a little allowing Louis’ to kiss him deeper, making a soft sound in the back of his throat and Louis decided that it was time to pull back. He held onto the younger boy’s shoulders and pulling himself back a bit while still sucking Harry’s bottom lip into his mouth.

“Harry, I-“ _No no no no_. _Not right now. In and out. Please breathe, don’t freak out now, please Louis. You have got to tell him, it’s now or never. Inhale through your nose. Hold on a little. Exhale trough your mouth. It’s the right time to it. Don’t think too much about it. Don’t-_

_‘Why did he do that? Didn’t he say he loved me? He was drunk... I said I didn’t want it! It was not my fault! I should’ve done something but now is too late. What if Harry thinks I’m weak? Am I weak?’_

“Lou, I’m here okay? I’ve got you. You can do it, baby. Slow and deep, yeah? C’mon..” Harry’s hand was at the bottom of his spine doing small circles while his other hold onto Louis’ neck and brought their faces closer; foreheads touching.

_In and out._

“Shh love, everything is fine, you’re doing great keep going.” Harry's hands didn’t stop, now both were in his back, doing tender and delicate moves like Louis was breakable. He remembered how his grandmother used the same calm and sensitive movements to touch the polished keys of her beautiful piano. Louis learned with her that ‘you have to be gracious; the music will never sound right if you play like a barbaric; be gentle with the keys and they’ll be kind to you.’

He was breathing.

“H-harry, I have to tell you something, okay? Please, just listen and then I’ll go if you want me to”

“Lou-“ Harry tried but the older boy stopped him with a kiss.

“I’m really nervous to tell you this, so please, don’t say anything ‘till I’m done alright?” Louis waited until Harry nodded. “Only a few people know about this, mostly my family, the boys and uh, him. I used to date this guy, and we had been dating for about nine months at the time and I thought that it was love, but it wasn’t. It was close to my 18th birthday and we decided to have an earlier celebration, just me and him. We went out for a couple of pints, but he…” silent tears were streaming down his face now, Harry didn’t say anything just planted gentle kisses on his cheek. "He drank too much. I said it was time to stop and go home but he didn’t listen so I left on my own. On the way back I felt something tugging on my arm and when I turned around it was him. He kissed me but I didn’t kiss him back.”

“Then it was all kind of blurry. He dragged me to some alleyway and I started to have a panic attack. I told him to stop that I couldn’t breathe and that it wasn’t funny but he was so drunk.” He was sobbing now, Harry’s hands were again at his back, their foreheads pressed closely. “He pulled my pants down and started sucking me… I-I tried to pull him back but I could barely breathe.. I s-swear I didn’t want it, I c-couldn’t...” he was on full crying now.

“Shh Lou, I’m sorry okay? Don’t cry, darling. I’m here now, everything is fine. I’ll never let anyone touch you like this again, ever. I’m so sorry, babe.”

“Just... I should’ve told someone at the time but I was so scared Harry. I thought he loved me, he said so. He never had anything like this before, we were so happy and honest with each other I’d never thought he was capable of doing anything like it to me. I was his boyfriend for nine months. The next morning he went to my house and told my mom that he was so sorry and he didn’t mean it to be that way. I told her what happened and she said that he sexually abused me. I was shocked. In my mind it was just a drunken mistake and that it was my fault since he went out because it was my birthday. I never went to the police or anything and I feel so guilty. I-I...”

“No, no Lou, it was not your fault. Shh, baby listen to me, please?” he grabbed Louis’ chin and their eyes met. Harry’s eyes were so green and he was crying too.

“You were _seventeen_ Lou, oh my God. I’m very sorry that this happened. I can guarantee you that no one ever will get in five foot range to you if you don’t want to. You should’ve done something thought. He abused you; this was not your fault. I’m here now and I-I..”

What? I-I what? Nonono. Harry doesn’t love him; how could he anyway? Louis was abused and never did something about it, sure he didn’t see the guy since that day but he didn’t told anyone capable to really do something. Louis had anxiety disorder and lots of panic attacks. They knew each other for four months. Louis was in love with him but he was wonderful. No way Harry could-

“I love you.”

“W-what?”

“I love you? I know we are not together for long but I admire you so much Lou. You’re kind, intelligent, strong and generous. Your eyes are so blue; your hair is so soft; your cheekbones so sharp; your skin glows; I’ve never seen arms so soft..” his hands now were mapping Louis’ body, touching every part of his skin “Your back Louis, really have you seen your back? Jesus! I love your legs too, and obviously your bum.” he gently squeezed Louis’ ass.

“You love me?” Harry quickly nodded “Shit, I was so scared that I was the only one falling for you, but now that you feel the same..” he rolled his hips down a little “Do y-you wanna?”

At first Harry just leaned his head down ghosting over Louis’ neck with his lips and if the older boy haven’t been paying attention to every move, every breathe of the curly haired one he probably would have lost the lightly ‘yeah’ that brushed against his skin. Harry then started to kiss Louis’ neck, sucking the sensitive skin into his mouth. He brought one of his hands underneath Louis’ t-shirt playing with his nipples, tugging at them with his thumb and index finger. Louis shivered and bit back a moan. At this Harry pulled back looking at the forming pink almost purple mark on Louis’ neck. He then stared up at the smaller boys’ face, his eyes were glassy, pupils were wide and he could barely see the beautiful blue, his mouth was slightly open, lips were red for being bitten so hard.

“You look so beautiful like this Lou,” Harry’s voice was low, “Could you take this off for me, love?” he asked tugging at the bottom of Louis’ t-shirt. Louis raised his arms and Harry gently took it off. He then proceeded to strip his own plaid shirt, teasingly undoing the buttons. Louis started to get impatient, so he splayed his hands on Harry’ chest, bringing his mouth close to his earlobe tugging at it with his teeth while grinding his hips down. They started rutting against each other with their clothed cocks; Harry’s shirt was still halfway undone but he let it go to cup Louis’ cheeks and bring their mouths together. He started swirling their tongues but with an edge that suggested the lust for more.

“Babe,” he said nipping at the other boy’ lip and pulling them a part “we have too much clothes, let’s just get rid of them to do it properly, yeah?” Louis nodded so quickly that it was embarrassing, but what could he do? They had had a couple blowjobs and some handjobs before, of course, they even came in their pants one day ‘cause they were too eager to wait and take their clothes off, but this was it. Louis wasn't a virgin, it’s just this was different, this was Harry. He had never felt so hot and so needy before in his entire life and they didn’t even have their pants off but he felt like something would be different this time. He felt like they would just fit.

_And he was right._

_It was different._

_They did fit._

After getting up and taking off his jeans and boxers, he finished undoing the buttons on Harry’ shirt and threw it close to his own. Then he unzipped Harry’s black skinny jeans and tapped his fingers on the boy’s waist. Harry lifted his hips and Louis got on his knees to remove the tight jeans. When he moved to take Harry’ briefs down his hands brushed against his boner and the boy jerked his hips up. Louis looked up and had to take a deep breath. Harry  was watching him, his curls falling on his eyes , his legs open, his chest rising up and down, his fists at his side grabbing on the cushions of the couch.

Instead of taking Harry’ pants off he started sucking lightly at the head of his cock trough the fabric. Louis hands were digging on the inside of Harry’ thighs, playing with the soft skin there. “ _Lou."_  Harry gasped, raking his hands through Louis’ hair and pushing his mouth away from his cock. "I want this just as much as you, so please, stop teasing before I come.” Louis rolled his eyes but stood up and helped Harry pull off his black briefs. Jesus, fuck, Louis will never get over the fact that Harry’s cock is so lovely and big; it's beautiful especially hard and laying on his belly. “Eager are we?” he would also, never get used to Harry being a fucking tease.

“Love, could you grab the lube and a condom on the second drawer?” he asked pointing to his left.

“Okay, and I’m the one eager here? You have lube and condoms on your living room? Honestly Harold what even are you.” He was just saying it to be an arse because thank God he didn’t have to move much, since walking with a throbbing dick between your legs is not that comfortable. He grabbed the bottle and the condom placing them at Harry side.

Their cocks brushed together when Louis sat on his lap, making both boys groan in pleasure. He started rocking his hips down gagging for it “Haz, I-I.” he choked; Harry shuddered at that grabbing the bottle of lube and coating his fingers with it. He slowly directed one of his digits to Louis’ tight hole, just teasing with the tip of his index finger.

“ _Fuck_ Harry, please-” and Harry couldn’t wait more, Louis’ voice was so needy that he propped, without warning, one of his fingers past Louis’ entrance. His hole was so tight and warm; Harry wanted his cock inside him so bad. He started fucking his finger, in and out, up until the last knuckle and when he felt that he could fit one more, he thrust two, scissoring them inside Louis. The boy above him cried out and started fucking himself down on Harry’s hand. “Oh my god,” Louis gripped onto Harry for support, his fingers massaging Harry's hair for a bit before roughly pulling at it.

“Fuck Lou, Jesus _babe._ ” Harry moaned, arching his back and fucking his fingers deeper.

“Haz, I’m ready, please –ah fuck - I need it, _please_ I need your cock."

Harry couldn’t wait much either so he gently withdrew his fingers. With Louis' help he opened the condom put it on his rock hard cock and slicked it with lube.

“Are you sure, are you ready baby?”

“Yeah H-Harry, _c’mon,_ ” Louis’ lift his hips taking Harry’ cock in his hand and guiding it to his entrance; slowly he started sinking in, Harry’ dick disappearing inside him, making both of them release soft moans. He waited until he was adjusted to the feeling of Harry filling him up and started rocking his hips doing little eights, then he raised himself until just the tip of Harry’ cock was inside him and slammed back down. “ _Shit_ love, just like that.” Harry exhaled and Louis pounded his hips harder making Harry arch his back and groan.

A few thrusts later, Harry started pushing his hips up, both of them setting into a rhythm. Louis’ pulled Harry’s hair while the boy under him traced his ‘It is what it is’ tattoo with the tip of his tongue. It wasn't long until Harry found his prostate, and Louis felt himself near the edge.

“ _F-fuck_ H, I’m close.”

“Don’t, not now. Can you do that for me love, be a good boy?”

“ _G-Good boy_? Jesus, Harry I’m gonna come.”

“Shh love, you can do it. Just hold on a little.” Louis wasn’t sure if he could though. But he was going to try; he loved to please Harry and if he wanted him not to come right now and be – _God_ , - a fucking good boy he would do it. He attempts to grab his own cock and relieve some pressure but Harry shoves his hand away and placed it in his curls, saying that if he needed to hold onto something he could pull at it. Okay so Harry liked having his hair yanked, great. Louis was about to tell him that he couldn’t do it anymore when Harry blurted “L-Lou, you can come – _fuck_ \- come now baby,” and so he did. He came hard spilling white on Harry’ chest, clenching at the dick inside him, moaning a mixture of curse words and _HazHarryHarry_. He was shivering but he could feel Harry do the same not even thirty seconds later, the boy cried out low _ahahah’_ s and _BabyLouFuck_ coming hard inside Louis.

  
Harry wanted Louis to wait so they could come together, in _sync_.

Louis was so in love.

He didn’t realise he had zoned out for a bit until Harry softly pulled out and asked for him to wrap his legs around his waist.

“Hm?”

“Wrap your legs around my waist love, so I can take you to bed and clean you up.” Harry stood up, his arms around the smaller boy. He carried him to his room and laid Louis in bed while he picked a cloth to clean them both. When they were clean, he looked at Louis’ sleepy face and joined him in bed, sliding his arm around his waist and bringing them closer, foreheads pressed together.

“Haz?” Louis’ voice was calm and tender,

“What, Lou?”

“How come you are so good with me when I’m… w-when I’m acting like... crazy?”

“Oh love, c’mere,” he gently kissed Louis’ lips, “you’re not crazy, don’t say that. But… You know my little brother Troye yeah?” he nodded, “Well, he has OCD and he had a few panic attacks when we were alone at home, so I searched in the internet what I could and asked him what made him feel better at those times. He said he just needed someone to be there and reassure him that everything was fine, that he had to just try to calm down and breathe… So that’s basically it.”

  
Louis didn’t know what to say, so after a few long seconds he mutters,“Harry?”

“Lou?”

“I love you so much."

“I love you too. Very much... a lot.”

Louis giggled; he loved this idiot very much a lot too.

 -----

Louis wanted to be a teacher, but he also loved to sing and play piano.

But he didn’t know how he ended up on the backstage of his audition on X- factor.

Actually, he did.

Harry and he were living together for eight months, since Zayn and Liam had moved in together. Things were weird at first; he was used to having his best friend at the next room, always creating something ridiculously amazing on his canvas. With Harry everything was so domestic that he got a bit scared. While he didn’t know how to fry an egg, Harry’ food was delicious; Harry couldn’t remember where, when or what he had to do, and Louis’ memory was great. Comparisons aside, they both were made for each other, perfect even. One day when they were at the shower, Louis was on his tip toes massaging Harry’ scalp with his fingers, washing his hair and Harry started humming ‘Isn’t she lovely’. Without realising Louis had joined him and they were on full blast under the warm water, bottles of shampoo in hands and hips moving. They did it at the kitchen again, later that day, while Harry was cooking dinner, singing –almost screaming- ‘Adore You’ by Miley Cyrus.

That’s when they realised that they were in sync while performing too.

Louis played piano since he was four, his grandmother insisted in teaching him since his oldest sister had refused to learn. He was pretty good, knew how to stroke the keys gently and even composed a few songs. His voice didn’t sound all that bad too. Harry… Harry was born to be on stage. His voice was low and raspy, totally calming. Louis’ loved so much to hear him sing, it always bring peace to his busy mind. They saw an ad about the next auditions being close to home and Harry said _‘Let’s just give it a try Lou, it’ll be fun. We don’t have to take it seriously, if we made it, good. If we don’t, it’ll be worth the experience, yeah?’_

“Guys, you’ve to go now” a voice behind him said,

So this is how they ended up on the X- factor audition stage, hands tangled together. In front of them were four judges and hundreds of people cheering just waiting to hear they sing.

“Hello,” Harry said. Louis was so nervous he couldn’t speak, he nodded his head and tightened his grip in Harry’ hand. People were so loud, even when the judges were talking all he could hear his heart pounding in his ears, so he didn’t catch much of the conversation Harry was having with the judges just a few bits here and there.

“You are?” Simon asked,

“I’m Harry, this is Louis.”

“So, are you friends?”

“No, we kiss so…” Harry smiled cheekily, which received a laugh.

“What do you guys do?”

“I work part time at a coffee shop and I’m studying music.” Harry replied.

“And you, Louis?”

“I’m finishing college now, I-I want to be a drama teacher.” This Louis could answer, he was proud to.

“Really, like teaching kids?” Nicole, one of the judges, asked.

“Yeah, I love them.. um.. kids, I mean.”

“Do you wanna be married and have children?”

“Yeah,”

“One hundred percent.”

“Even as young as you are?” she insisted, and they just had to look at each other to know that yes. They were young, sure, but they do loved kids and wanted to get married. Christ, they had matching _and_ complementary tattoos.

And if the crowd went crazy at that, well…

“What are you going to sing?” Holy shit they were going to sing, Louis almost forgot that. How was he going to sing in front of all these people? His voice wasn’t as good as Harry’s. They will see that he is bad, he is going to ruin Harry’s chance to win something great in front of the whole country on national television.

_In and out. Not now please, you can’t ruin this for him, he wants this so bad. You want it too, remember? You watch this show since forever, you grandma always told you that people were so brave to get on the stage in front of so many people to sing and wait to hear four little words that could change your life. You can do it and you will._

Suddenly he heard Harry’s voice already singing the first lines of the song, his calm tone made all his thoughts go away and all he could think about was how much he loved this boy.

_“Loving can hurt_  
 _Loving can hurt sometimes_  
 _But it's the only thing that I've known_  
 _When it gets hard_  
 _You know it can get hard sometimes_  
 _It is the only thing that makes us feel alive”_

Now it was his time to sing and Louis wasn’t nervous at all, he loved this boy so much and he could do it for him.

_“Darlin' I will be lovin' you_  
 _Till we're seventy_  
 _Baby my heart could still fall as hard_  
 _At twenty three_  
 _I'm thinkin' bout how_  
 _People fall in love in mysterious ways_  
 _Maybe just the touch of a hand_  
 _Me, I fall in love with you every single day_  
 _I just wanna tell you I am”_

And then they finished singing together,

_"We keep this love in a photograph_  
 _We made these memories for ourselves_  
 _Where our eyes are never closing_  
 _Our hearts were never broken_  
 _And time's forever frozen still”_

He couldn’t hear anything; all he could do was look at Harry and hug him, kiss him, hold him and tell how much he loved this boy. He was crying; he could tell by the look in Harry’s face the concern written in his features, the soft ‘you okay?’ he spoke, and somewhere someone saying something or other, but he couldn’t care less. He had the man of his life holding him in his arms, guiding him through the most difficult times, making him breathe and loving him back. People did fall in love in mysterious ways. He fell in love with Harry even more every passing day. They would keep these memories for themselves; even if thousands of people see this on TV they will never know how it feels. Harry was looking at him now, nervous waiting for the last answer from the last judge. Louis couldn’t hear what Simon said, he just saw Harry’ big grin ‘ _We made it, love, I’m so proud of you_ ’ and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend’s mouth.

_Time was forever frozen still._

 

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> so that's it. 
> 
> i used ed' new songs mixed together 'cause i couldn't pic just one.
> 
> im sorry if this is crap and confusing i just had this on my mind and i didn't know how to make a prompt to someone better write it so i tried. 
> 
> thank you to 28rs.tumblr.com and for everyone that reads this.xx


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